Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
