took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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