i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
