You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
