like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
