there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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