I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
