i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
