Please, let me fuck your mom
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
