i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
