i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
