Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
