have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
