How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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