I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize