So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
