I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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