I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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