I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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