We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
