totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
