i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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