this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
