one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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