I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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