why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
