Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Found the puke drawer
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
