you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize