3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
