Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
