yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
