I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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