it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
