dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
