Soap is not a condiment
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Randomize
