So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
