it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
