I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
