her vagine was all disorganized.
wanna go halves on a baby?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
