I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
