My friends, they love my intelligence
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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