dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
