1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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