in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
