i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
