You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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