That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Alive.
So much puke
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
