I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We have so much sex to catch up on
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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