jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
