You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
