We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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