there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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