I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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