explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
