my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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