My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
