In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
