I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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