I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
