He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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